First of all, I’m saying so long to WordPress (eventually). It’s been fun, but it feels wiser to corral all my literary stuffs under one proverbial roof, which is…my new website!
The Blog page on the website is where all my posts shall now reside. But not to worry, if you love this site – these posts will stay here for another nine or ten months, since I’m all paid up through then. But I’ll be posting directly from THERE, not here, so maybe bookmark the new site?
Or even better – join my mail list to make sure you don’t lose me in the shuffle. There’s some Big Exciting News coming in the next few weeks, so get ready for it!
So Broken Things was finally released…and now, the REAL work begins. You know, the part where I try everything I can think of to connect my book child with readers, also known as MARKETING. I’m less into this part, although I’m very willing to engage in it because I 100% believe it’s a great story and that people will like it if they read it.
First up, I went to Stokercon in Connecticut about a week prior to release with a bunch of copies for advance sales. Stokercon is the Horror Writers Association’s (HWA) annual writer’s convention, with tons of panels, readings and vendors of all things dark and spooky. I went as a vendor but also a writer, and I had a BLAST. It culminated with the Bram Stoker Awards banquet and ceremony, and I ALMOST chickened out of going. It was soooo tempting after an exhausting day to order a pizza and camp out on my bed, watching old episodes of MST3K on my laptop. In fact, I did that the night before, for my Friday the 13th viewing party (it was the 13th):
I didn’t really know anyone there that well and had no friend group expecting me. But someone told me I should take a quick disco nap and see if I felt like coming down at 6 for cocktails.
Hot oil pizza from Colony Grill in Stamford, CT (delivered to the Hilton Executive Suites) for F13!
I did. And I went, and met some very nice people and had a blast. I felt a bit lost without my table buddies afterwards, so the after-party lost me pretty quick. Still, there’s a lot to be said for jumping into strange situations with both feet. Especially situations involving a room full of horror writers, because THEY ARE THE NICEST GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU WILL EVER MEET. It might be different if we’re talking about very well-established writers, but this group of people is possibly the most accepting, encouraging and inclusive group of writers I’ve ever had the pleasure to mingle with. There is no “Oh, you write GENRE FICTION,” from them. In fact, I probably could have said I write historical vampire fiction set on a unicorn planet being invaded by aliens, and they still would have smiled and asked to hear more. I mean, they might be thinking I was insane, but their eyes wouldn’t let me know that.
Anyway, it was tough to come home off the high of talking horror and getting actual physical copies of my beloved book in hand (and having to find a way to ship them back to my house from a strange town) to my daily work world, but this is the writer’s life. The trick is to balance that with learning my least favorite thing….SOCIAL MEDIA MARKETING.
I mean, where do I even start? Bookstagram, takeovers, street teams….I DON’T KNOW WHAT THESE WORDS MEAN. Yet. I mean, I’ve heard them and smiled and nodded as if I understood what was being discussed, but really? I don’t. But I’m going to try my best to learn.
I’m starting small, with email lists and flows and automations. I’m currently at odds with myself: blog or mail list? Or both?
Not gonna lie – I kinda love this blog and I feel like it’s a good way to net new readers and let them know a thing or two about me pre-book. So I’m keeping it for now, but throwing you all a big ask: join my e-mail list? It’s a way for me to build a relationship with readers and reward them – YOU – for sticking with me. I’ve got reader surveys, PDFs of side-stories, and of course, loads of MST3K gifs. So, with that said…
It’s been a really, really, REALLY long journey. Seriously – I started working on this in late 2017, but wrote the bulk of it in 2019 (thanks to my broken ankle). Most of the deep edits happened during lockdown, when I scored my agent (yayyy!). But post-COVID we got zero traction with publishers. After a year of near misses, I bade my agent farewell and ALMOST just walked away.
ALMOST.
But then my friend, writer Jen Cowan Parsons, mentioned she’d entered a few contests. I had no idea that there were contests for unpublished works. Well, I knew of one, but they didn’t have a horror genre entry, and while you could conceivably call it a thriller and/or mystery, the haunting makes it a tough sell for anything other than “horror”.
So I entered some contests. Five, to be exact. Three of them worked out really well, and three out of five ain’t bad. I ended up catching the attention of a publisher who was a judge for one of these contests. So, after winning the Page Turner award (both in my genre and for general fiction writing) in 2023, I started talking with Muse Literary Publishing. And while publishing with an small indie publisher is NOT for the feint of heart, the end product is both exciting and rewarding!
DATES:
Pre-Order….hopefully very, very soon! Like, maybe this week? Maybe? (Did I mention my publisher is small?)
ADVANCE COPIES will be at a table with me at STOKERCON 2025 in Stamford, CT June 12-14, 2025. No shit!!!
LAUNCH DATE: Tuesday (I’m told this is a publishing thing), June 24, 2025. Available everywhere, I hope…
Currently looking for a really awesome bookstore who wants to host my launch. Let’s talk. See you in the stacks.
Humanity is getting really ugly. Prices are up, patience is low and there is no such thing as compromise or integrity anymore. Honor and honesty have gotten the boot, replaced by a malignant and willful ignorance that revels in thumbing its nose at sincerity.
Which is why I work with dogs. I’m a full-time dog walker and part-time (when I can stay awake late enough) writer. But it’s still tough to find that peaceful, calm feeling that we need to simply get by without having to replace our constantly-gritting teeth. Sure, I guess there’s drugs or booze, but that’s not really my thing. Habits are so expensive!
A few Saturdays ago, I woke up to distant, tinkling piano sounds coming from the living room. Michael had the coffee made and the TV was tuned to something amazing: a cute little autumnal cafe scene with gently-falling leaves lakeside. Steam rose from cups of coffee and tea, pillows and opened books lay strewn about, and in the background? Gently. Playing. Jazz.
Also, there’s no people. Just rooms.
I sat down to my coffee and new-found joy: channels on YouTube entirely dedicated to calming, peaceful (and okay, yes, probably AI-generated) scenes of rooms designed to evoke calming, peaceful feelings. And while a much younger version of me would likely sneer at all of these channels, 56-year old me is in HEAVEN. Some channels, like Cozy Cabin Ambiance or Calmed By Jazz feature cozy rooms (often cabins, cafes or stately library rooms) scattered with candles, books and a fireplace with anonymous but not obnoxious jazz heavy on piano and bass playing in the background. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, there’s a cat or a dog sleeping nearby. You can even see their little chests rising and falling slightly as they breathe oh-so-peacefully. Outside, it might be raining or snowing, which you can hear, along with the fire crackling, in the quiet moments between songs.
Self-explanatory: One of my most beloved relaxing tools on YouTube.
Building on this, I found some channels (here’s one of my favorites at Cozy Timez) which feature similar scenes, usually set at night, with jazz replaced with fireplace and storm sounds. I started to turn these on as I was going to bed, and you know what? I’ve never fallen asleep so fast! It’s almost impossible to feel stress while these sounds are going on. Why is this the case? I know there’s probably a ton of studies on the calming effects of the sound of rain paired with a lovely fireplace and warm lighting, but most of the things I could find were related to ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) studies that all add up to: IT JUST RELAXES MOST OF US.
I’ll take it. While my world burns down around me, you’ll find me curled up in my favorite sofa corner, slowly nodding off to the pleasing sights and cozy feelings evoked by creators on the Tube of You. Not a bad way to go.
No, I didn’t join a cult. This is just a sign I saw on a hike today…while at my weeklong writer’s residency!
But I bet I got your attention, didn’t I?
So a few months ago, I watched Prom Night with the express intention of writing a blog post about it. Then a month passed by, so I watched it again. Then I was just days away from a vacation followed by said residency, so I put it off.
Dudes, I desperately was in need of a vacation. So Michael and I head off to Pinecrest Lake one Sunday for a week….only it was a super short week. The Forest Service CLOSED the whole fucking forest on Day 3 of our vacation because humans are idiots who cannot be trusted to not start a massive blaze at the height of fire danger season. So I get it. I was understanding. But still….no writing.
Which is of considerable concern when you’re like, supposed to be working on a follow-up book to the first unpublished book at a writing residency in the Santa Cruz Mountains for a whole week.
But you know what? I made it. I’ve just about nailed down Act One. Or at least, the first segment of Act One. I’ve actually written pages and am figuring out the characters, little by little. So it’s HAPPENING.
All of this is just to say, I will post my Prom Night thoughts soon. I’d like to just give you a sampler teaser: Jamie Lee Curtis, DISCO QUEEN! Back in a jiff.
You know you’re in for an interesting ride when the studio can’t decide what the title is.
The version I watched over on Shudder was titled Butcher Baker Nightmare Maker, which made maybe a little more sense than Night Warning, since I’m not really sure what the warning was in this movie. I mean, things happened at night, but they weren’t really warnings. They were murders. So maybe Night Stabbings would be more accurate?
So this movie starts off with Anonymous Mom and Dad leaving their toddler, Billy, with Aunt Cheryl (Susan Tyrell) while they go off to visit their parents. Billy is most definitely NOT happy about it, because he cries like someone is threatening to murder his puppy off-camera. Mom and Dad drive off and almost immediately are on a steep and winding road when the brakes go out. They run into the back of a lumber truck and a log crashes through the windshield, flattening Dad’s head and causing the car to fly off a cliff, with mom screaming all the way down until it lands in a creek.
At this point, I was in the middle of writing, “I’m a little disappointed that the car didn’t explode” when guess what? THE CAR EXPLODES. Even though it’s sitting in water. I immediately decided this movie was BRILLIANT.
Cut to 14 years later, and apparently Billy is still staying with Aunt Cheryl. BTW, Billy is played by Jimmy McNichol, Kristy’s younger brother who has apparently not quite mastered speaking like a human. Aunt Cheryl, on the other hand, thinks it’s totally normal to wake him up by draping herself over him and blowing sexily in his ear. And I guess if he’s been raised just by her, he wouldn’t know that was weird. Which begs the question: why does he seem so normal, with his perfectly feathered hair and all?
Then we see Billy playing basketball at school (it’s shirts vs. skins, woohoo!) and it’s made clear that Billy’s an awesome player even though teammate Bill Paxton doesn’t like him. I kind of wish Bill Paxton had more to do in this movie, but sadly, he doesn’t even get murdered. So while they’re playing, my screen started to freeze every few seconds, and I thought it was a glitchy stream but NOPE it was just the film’s way of showing us that the someone’s taking a lot of terrible action shots of the game. Enter Julie, school photographer, and HOLY SMOKES it’s Julia Duffy from Newhart! Who else is in this movie???
Chill, Bill!
So Billy and Julie are jazzed because not only is it Billy’s birthday, but a basketball scout is coming to The Big Game and the coach thinks Billy may win a scholarship, which is great because Aunt Cheryl has made it really clear that she does NOT support Billy’s going to college and leaving her. Meanwhile, a Nosy Neighbor Lady asks Cheryl if she’d like to be set up with some new single dude in town. Cheryl firmly says no…but then makes a really awkward pass at the handyman just a few hours later. He is totally not into her so she stabs him to death, which Billy sees because it’s suddenly nighttime and he’s home now.
The dude dies and Billy removes the knife from his neck as Aunt Cheryl screams that he was trying to rape her and then she throws herself, bloody exposed chest and all, at Billy. So now they’re BOTH covered in blood and in walk Mr. and Mrs. Nosy Neighbor for Billy’s big birthday dinner. OOPS! It’s like a Three’s Company episode gone off the rails, especially because this couple is very Roper-ish. “We said ‘COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR,’ not ‘WALK RIGHT INTO OUR MURDER KITCHEN!'”
Aunt Cheryl, your…ummm…never mind.
So then the cops come and Aunt Cheryl is sticking with her story. But unfortunately, Bo Svenson is playing the detective in charge and he’s like a cross between Dennis Leary and Joe Don Baker, only SUPER HOMOPHOBIC. Like, way over the top, even for a cop in 1982. It becomes clear pretty quickly that he wants to pin this all on Billy, not for any reason that makes sense but because he just doesn’t like Billy.
So naturally, Detective Bo gets super excited when he finds out that the handyman was gay because that would mean his instincts were right that the handyman didn’t try to rape Aunt Cheryl. But not for crime-fighting reasons; it just would mean that Billy was a QUEER, which he really wants to believe because of REASONS.
But the corker is, here’s how he KNOWS the handyman was gay: because he was wearing a ring engraved, with love, from the basketball coach. Not because his name is there, but because of the INITIALS on the ring.
Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but sharing initials isn’t exactly evidence, amirite? I mean, just because the basketball coach has the same initials as whoever gave the handyman a ring doesn’t mean that (a) that person is the basketball coach or (b) that the ring-gifter was in a sexual or even a romantic relationship with the handyman. Right?
But when confronted in the sleaziest way possible about this by Detective Bo, Coach just kind of smiles and shrugs. REALLY??? So despite clearly not wanting to be outed (because it’s 1982), Coach just admits to a clearly homophobic cop that yes, he was in love with the handyman and gave him a ring. But he really wants Detective Bo to understand that Billy had nothing to do with this. And of course, this just makes Bo want to pin this on Billy even more, because he’s an awful human being first and a cop second.
Meanwhile, Billy and Julie finally have sex (does Peter Scolari know about this, Julia?) and Aunt Cheryl catches them and kicks Julie out. The Good Cop–you know, the one that’s not Detective Bo–steps out of the bushes and tells her, hey, if you guys had sex, that’s GREAT because that would mean Billy’s not gay and somehow this will prove he didn’t murder the gay handyman. Right??? Again, I still am not following the logic.
Around this point, we realize that Cheryl’s been hiding the remains of her ex-boyfriend (no, it’s never been mentioned before, so don’t worry if you’re confused) in the cellar for years, but I guess Billy hasn’t even tried to go down there because the body’s not even hidden — he’s just laid out there on a cot beside a little altar she has where she talks to his picture and tells him about how she needs to keep Billy there with them.
Things come to a head when Aunt Cheryl starts drugging Billy so he’ll pass out at his big game and lose his scholarship chances. But Billy’s been suspicious and wants to snoop around in her keepsake box. So even though Aunt Cheryl’s been having a ton of angry outbursts and he even SAW her murder the handyman, he asks Julie–the one person Aunt Cheryl detests more than anyone–to distract Aunt Cheryl while he looks through her things.
Want a haircut?
Julie does, but Billy doesn’t hear Julie being attacked with a meat mallet while he’s in the next room, I guess? He comes out and Julie’s nowhere to be seen, but he notices that Aunt Cheryl has given herself a Pandemic Haircut a few decades too early. (Actually, it doesn’t look half-bad. Brad Mondo probably would have given her a “good try!”)
Brad Mondo. If you don’t know him, GOOGLE HIM NOW.
But Nosy Neighbor Lady pops in just as Billy’s passing out from drinking drugged milk. Nosy overhears Cheryl tell Billy that she’s his real mom, and Dead Cellar Boyfriend is (was) his real dad. That couple from the beginning in the exploding car? They’re just Cheryl’s….something. Brother or sister. It’s not real clear.
This all seems SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED than it needs to be. It also doesn’t explain why she wants to bang her nephew/son. If anything, this makes it even weirder somehow! Okay, so Nosy has overheard this and knows something weird is happening, so she goes to hide but finds Julie’s camera and handbag. I guess she knows they are Julie’s because they have nametags on them? IDK.
This movie does not stop bringing the crazy at any point. There are several showdowns between Aunt Cheryl and basically everyone. It’s okay though, because somehow Julie survives after several head wounds and Billy’s finally killed Aunt Mom. Detective Bo shows up and even though some other cop tells him that Cheryl was the killer, Bo still wants to just kill Billy. Aunt Mom comes back to life just long enough to distract Bo so Billy can shoot him and somehow, the other cops just know Bo had it comin’ and don’t have a problem with it. Instead, they let Julie run to his arms, and then the film pulls an Animal House where-are-they-now thing and the titles tells us that Billy was found not guilty in the cop shooting due to temporary insanity (said no one ever). It also tells us that Billy and Julie are both at college together. Thanks for the update, movie!
This movie is just banana after banana-level bananas. Seriously. The plot and actions make zero sense, but in its favor, you have a really fun cast doing the best they can with a shit script and apparently, five dollars. Susan Tyrell is pretty freaking awesome as Cheryl, especially when she starts unravelling post-haircut. Check it out if you’ve got Shudder, but please don’t pay more than three dollars to rent this thing.
Jamie Lee Curtis. Ellis from Die Hard. Vanity (the singer, not the deadly sin). David Copperfield. Abuse of at least one corpse. So much to unpack…
I’ve been listening to the With Gourley and Rust podcast, wherein Matt Gourley and Paul Rust discuss all kinds of horror films, and when they covered Terror Train, I decided I needed to rewatch it because, while I’m pretty sure I watched it at one point in my youth, I couldn’t remember anything about it other than it was one of those prank-gone-wrong-vengeance films. And BONUS – it was free with Amazon Prime, so we watched it on Saturday night.
Let’s start off by saying, okay. It’s not the best horror film of all time. But as one who fully expected it to suck a bag of dicks, it was a lot more fun than expected.
Like many slasher films of this time period, the filmmakers decide they need to make it clear exactly what set the killer off on a life of psychotic murder. And in this case, our killer and med school fraternity pledge, Kenny (Derek McKinnon), is the victim of a really bonkers prank wherein he gets into a bed with Alana (Jamie Lee Curtis), only it’s not Alana. It’s a corpse that’s falling apart (because pre-med students apparently have access to such things). Naturally, this freaks him out, but a lot more than they intended…which is apparently shown by him twirling around in some sheer curtains. I guess that’s supposed to represent his psyche unravelling? Jamie Lee Curtis, meanwhile, is somehow SHOCKED, just SHOCKED that she was tricked into participating in a prank involving a dead body, but HOW DID SHE NOT KNOW?
Cut to three years later, when said frat bros and their womenfolk are celebrating their last New Years’ Eve together as a group by partying on an old tyme steam train, which I guess is something that gets rented out for parties? Kind of like a wine train. And I’m totally ready to accept this, only for some reason, everyone’s in costume. So is it Halloween? No, really, it’s New Year’s Eve. Maybe it’s a Canadian thing?
The lead prankster, Doc (Hart Bochner – the guy who played douchey Ellis in Die Hard!), is apparently in charge of this thing, so he gives a big speech about how this is the last time they’re going to be together and at this point, I’m BAFFLED. It’s January 1 — doesn’t that leave them with like, five months of probably much better weather to party it up together? Or are finals going to be that exhausting?
Check it out, you guys! It’s Ellis from Die Hard with his “Hans! Bubbie!” smirk on!Somebody pour him a Coke!!!
The train takes off, with Crazy Kenny killing class clown Eddie, who’s dressed in the WORST Groucho Marx costume ever. Maybe they were worried about getting rights to the patented Groucho-Glasses, because instead they just use a really creepy and not-very-Groucho-looking mask and a fat tux. Kenny steals this costume and, despite what the movie poster suggests, never puts on a Conductor’s cap. He climbs aboard and starts bringing the terror.
During the overlong getting-on-the train sequence, we see that David Copperfield is going to be performing on the train. Which makes me wonder: What the hell kind of a fraternity hires a magician for its New Year’s train rager? Canadians, I guess. (I’m going to use this explanation whenever I’m confused, which will be often.)
Among the partygoers is Vanity (yes! Prince’s buddy!), dressed in some sort of Cleopatra sort of costume. And her boyfriend is dressed as this:
This is not a Sleestak.
I got super excited at first, thinking it was supposed to be a Sleestak from one of my favorite childhood shows, “Land of the Lost.” But then my husband said no, it was probably just some kind of snake and Vanity was a snake charmer, which in no way is obvious, but okay. That was disappointing.
Anyway, the party rages on while Kenny as Groucho gets all murdery, first with NotASleestak and then with Doc/Ellis’ girlfriend, and eventually, Doc’s best buddy and JLC’s boyfriend, Moe (who kept reminding me of Judge Reinhold for some reason). Moe is killed in the middle of David Copperfield’s act, which I’M SORRY but was super pointless. It was almost like a bathroom-visit interlude because they kept cutting away to show the audience and the entire point is TO BE LOOKING AT THE MAGICIAN DO TRICKS. Also, can I just add that David Copperfield tries hard to give JLC a lot of sexy looks that actually just are super creepy. Like this one:
#Imtotallynotacreeper“Hey babe. Check out my Flying Nun Collar! You know you love it.”
Finally, things pick up as the conductor (Ben Johnson, an Oscar-winning actor who was in a lot of Westerns) starts finding bodies and realizing that hey, something weird is going on! Which seems reason enough for him to manhandle my girl JLC a bit as he drags her around the train showing her the bodies of two of her friends. And then Moe’s also dead, so it REALLY sucks to be JLC and Doc then. This is when they somehow realize that it’s got to be Kenny….in fact, doesn’t David Copperfield’s character (also named Ken, although that seemed unnecessary) look a lot like that kid we pranked in a way-over-the-top manner three years ago? (Fact Check: NO. He doesn’t. AT ALL.) JLC dumps some expo on us suddenly, explaining that Kenny dug magic and also allegedly killed somebody after being hospitalized for his “accident” (getting tangled in curtain sheers, I guess?). Seems like a weird time to remember to add this in, but okay…
Now it’s time for Doc to really channel that inner Ellis and he locks her out of his train compartment even though she’s screaming for him to let her in. Naturally, he’s just locked himself in with Kenny, who has mastered hiding in small spaces. It’s actually a fairly tense scene, and very unusual to see a male actor in total panic mode and letting out high-pitched screams. Unusual but honest? It was kind of funny, but also pretty refreshing, TBH.
TIME OUT to say….there are some contradictions in here. At the top of the movie, the Conductor says something about there being no radio communications on the train, but there’s a phone he uses to talk with the engineer. So…what gives? Where is this train even going? They are in the middle of nowhere! Does it just turn around and come back? No idea.
Meanwhile, Kenny reveals himself to Alana (JLC) in a pretty cool way and we get a little twist when we realize he’s been SUPER busy while hiding in plain sight during this trip! No spoilers here, though — just watch it for yourself. In fact, I’m not even going to tell you how it ends. So take THAT! Stream it and see.
I watch a lot of these 80’s-era slashers, and I have to say, a lot of them are unintelligible/unwatchable. And while this one had some problems, they did a good job with the use and idea of magic/illusions/tricks going awry. The acting was occasionally even good, especially in the case of JLC, Hart Bochner, Ben Johnson and Derek McKinnon. And how many slashers give us a hero in the shape of a 60-year-old train conductor?
On a scale of Utter Rubbish to Entertaining Rubbish, this ranks at Entertaining Rubbish. Well done, Canada!
I didn’t start getting weird about habitually cruising the Interwebz in search of the perfect home until I was stuck at home with a broken ankle in the summer of 2019. Before that, I may have occasionally glanced at homes for sale, but not with the regularity I do now.
Let me give you some backstory: we’ve lived in a one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco for about twenty years. The same one-bedroom apartment, in fact. It’s rent-controlled, so we can’t afford to move or we’d lose the low rent that has enabled us to stay in the Bay Area. As time passes, I find myself fantasizing about becoming a homeowner and yearning for more (or maybe just different) space.
We’d considered moving in the past to the Santa Cruz Mountains, which is close enough to still be able to work. We even put a bid on a home in Felton at one point, but we were outbid. Then, there were fires and evacuations, and we sort of shoved the serious thought of moving aside.
But being stranded in bed, I started checking once, twice, maybe even three times a day. And not just around Santa Cruz! Sometimes I’d look for places around the Russian River in Sonoma County or even as far away as the Sierra Nevada Mountains in Tuolumne County. Are you picking up on a theme here? MOUNTAINS. TREES. FORESTS. Maybe even a RIVER or a LAKE. Would it be possible to turn my love of mountain living in the heart of nature into a full-time thing rather than just a vacation?
When life screeched to a halt in March of 2020 (for a good three months in my case), I began to amp up my daily visits to real estate websites like Zillow and Realtor. I saved searches. Zillow started emailing me daily about sales rates in various zip codes I’d been stalking. They also would nudge me about homes I’d saved, that little heart emoji making them wonder if perhaps I’d like to TAKE THE NEXT STEP?
Morning. Mid-day. In the dead of night. All were good times to revisit real estate. I realized eventually that I wasn’t looking at real estate, really. I was looking for the ultimate full-time vacation cabin. House preferences: cathedral ceilings were a plus, especially if they were made of wood or even just had cross-beams present. Skylights with trees above were another bonus. Wooden walls? PERFECT. Just do NOT paint those bad boys white or you will lose me. You’ll also lose me with any ANGLED wood walls, which was a regrettable design kick in the late 1970s/early 1980s. I love dark wood but open rooms that get at least some sunlight.
I like the idea of neighbors, but I don’t want to have to see them from my back patio or really, any of my windows. Outdoor space is lovely as long as there aren’t NEIGHBORS just on the other side of that fence. Ideally, the home will back up to forested views, or perhaps a beautiful view of the surrounding mountains.
But perhaps most importantly, it HAD to have a hot tub, or allow for one to fit somewhere.
Today, as I waste yet another Saturday scrolling through house after house online, it occurs to me that I’d be better off just sticking with renting AirBnBs in all my favorite getaway places. Getaways are best when they take you out of your daily routine, after all. Would a place in the woods become limiting rather than dreamy after a few weeks? Or perhaps it would just become dull over time, the once-inspirational sweeping vistas eventually becoming just a backdrop to the daily grind.
But that really is an adorable Craftsman you’ve got there, Zillow, you temptress.
When technology surpasses my ability to understand how it works
Me, eventually
Back when my mother sold the family home in Menlo Park and moved out to Pacific Grove, me and my eight sibs were cautiously optimistic. I remember asking her if she needed instructions on how to record on the VCR (this was the early Nineties). It was a seriously old top-loader VCR, complete with corded remote that could pretty much only STOP, PAUSE and PLAY. Anything else, you had to get up and do it directly on the machine. Setting the timer to record was a complicated process that was super easy to screw up, so I wasn’t too surprised when my mom responded to my question with a laugh. “I don’t think I need to know that,” she added.
I got it. All she needed to know was STOP, PAUSE and PLAY, and that was on the remote, cord or no. I used to think to myself, all this new technology must be confusing. And I was probably right. She never did get herself a cellphone. Why would she? She only went outside for walks or maybe to the grocery store. And when she relocated eventually to assisted living, she had even less use for technology. There were nurses for that shit.
Meanwhile, technology has surpassed my own capability to understand it. Case in point: I recently started watching WandaVision streaming on Disney+. At home, I have an ultra-easy Roku. But I’m dogsitting this weekend, and last night, I decided to pick up watching on my client’s Apple TV. And as I touchpadded my way to the correct episode and got it to play, I was surprised to hear a female robot voice describing everything that was happening on the screen:
“Agent Monica Rambeaux materializes, surrounded by an ashy substance. All around her, people are appearing as ash whirls around them…” says Magic Voice. What’s happening? Is this on purpose? Is this another kooky Wanda Maximoff trick? I mean, she is forcing a town to take part in her dream sitcom life. Adding a narrator wouldn’t be all that weird, would it?
But yeah, it was weird. And I quickly realized that in my struggle to pause playback on the tiny Apple TV remote, I’d somehow managed to turn on voiceover narration…but only for Disney+. Shit. So I for-real paused it and went to the Disney+ settings…..okay, nothing there about audio or accessibility. I found the accessibility settings for the Apple TV, but voiceover narration was already turned off. So…..what now?
Stuck, I did what everyone else in my age group or younger would do: I Googled “how do you turn off voiceover narration on Disney+ on Apple TV”? At least I’m young enough to know that Google still has all the answers. The Apple TV forum had the answer at their seventh option: swiping downward on the touchpad would bring up the option to turn voiceover narration on and off. Somehow, when trying to pause the playback, I’d swiped downward and then arrowed down and then clicked, turning on the narration option. It’s such a random but specific set of actions! How could anyone know that without instructions?
I guess I, like my mom, “don’t really need to know that.” But when I did need to know it, at least Google could bail me out! I know that probably won’t always be the case, so I’d better get all my binge-watching in now.
The Corso Papers: Diane Corso 